Peter & the Lonely Dementor
by refallen
Summary: Peter Pettigrew, aka Wormtail, has a very important job coming up, at at the Ministry of Magic. However, romance between Peter and a dementor named Lloyd interrupts Lord Voldemort's evil plans. (Comedy, not sirius)
1. Default Chapter

I don't own Harry Potter.

Author's Note: I'm not good at this. Please criticize nicely and send me any blaring errors, cause I know that there are plenty of them! And pls pls pls, don't expect this to be a sirius fan fiction. )

Peter Pettigrew & The Lonely Dementor

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far away....

Before the battle in the Department of Mysterious had begun, Wormtail was going to be a part of the action.

Lord Voldemort, allowing his least praiseworthy servant to aide him in battle for the first time, had put an Invisibility charm on Wormtail, for when Harry Potter and his mates would come to the Ministry in order to rescue Sirius Black.

In fact, Voldemort had taken extra precautions on Wormtail. He put a Soundproof charm on the stuttering man, making it so only Lord Voldemort himself could hear him. The Dark Wizard even made it so Wormtail had no weight, scent, audible heartbeat or breathing. His great powers allowed the unworthy rat to become virtually non-existent.

Of course, Wormtail's task was quite simple: To snatch the prophecy out of Harry Potter's hand just when the boy had recognized it as his own. Wormtail was to be quick, quiet, and efficient. Even his clumsiness could not have gotten in the way, because Voldemort's spells were so powerful.

But alas, Wormtail could not fulfill his prophecy...He had failed Lord Voldemort for the last time...


	2. The Romance

I dont own Harry Potter, but I do own Lloyd

Chapter 2

"Teeheee," a very drunk Peter Pettigrew slurred out of his mouth. "You're sooo cute when you breath heavily Lloyd. It usually sucks out all the happiness in people, but I guess I'm just unhappy to begin with." Wormtail laughed out loud.

In fact, Wormtail began giggling so hard, that he went into a fit of hysterical giggles. But that's not a double negative. Nope not at all. Because when you had six ice cold mugs of Fire Whiskey, nothing was negative at all. Not even your openly gay boyfriend, who just so happened to be a Dementor named Lloyd. A/N: What, did you actually think that slime like Peter Pettigrew worth writing a serious fiction on?

Wormtail didn't remember that he was supposed to be at the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry of Magic. All he could remember was Lord Voldemort putting those weird spells on him.

"All I can remember is Master pu-put-putting those weird spells on me," Wormtail thought out loud. He only knew that he was still virtually invisible, but he couldn't remember _why_ he was in such a state!

"Lloyd, I can't remember why I am in such a sta-sta-state!" Wormtail hiccupped. "Maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere...hmmm." Peter began tapping his new, silver hand on the round table as he tried to remember anything important. Needless to say, he didn't remember how powerful the hand was in his drunken state, because the wood began to splinter with each tap.

"Oh well!" Wormtail yelled. "I don't remember or care, because I'm with you, schnookems!" He flirtatiously smiled at Lloyd and blinked a number of times with his watery blue eyes. Oh yeah, Peter Pettigrew thought he was hoT stuff! In fact, this was Wormtail and Lloyd's very first date! It was at Mug O' Mudlblood, the darkest, most evil pub in all of England.

There was a long silence. Wormtail frowned and swayed (and almost fell in drunken glory) closer to his boyfriend. "Lloyd, talk to me, darling. You're so quiet. I know I'm invisible, but I don't know why. Maybe this is the way we're meant to be!" He winked, and reach over to pinch Lloyd's slimy, cold cheek (or lack thereof).

It was quite surprising to see such a pair together, as every person who is reading this fan fiction agreed. Both were servants to Lord Voldemort, and they had a met a few nights ago at a muggle-killing on the outskirts of London. They were assigned for the same project, and they were instantly attracted to one another.

Wormtail just loved how tall Lloyd was, and his hooded figure was worth a million galleons, in Wormtail's opinion. Wormtail just found the dementor completely sexy.

And Lloyd? Well, who wouldn't want to have dinner with a stuttering ratty fatty? Maybe evil weirdos like them were just meant to be together. They talked all night, and made plans for a dinner for two for the following night.

Wormtail had found out that Lloyd had extra special powers (and an extra special sexuality) for a dementor. He could see the living, the dead, the invisible, and just about anything else. Lloyd even had x-ray vision. Wormtail thought to himself, "Now how cool is that!" And he didn't have the common sense to think like every other person, who thought, "Ewe! How weird is that!"

Of course, Wormtail didn't listen to the Author's advice, which said that he was crazy to even be attracted to a dementor. He shouldn't be in this fan fiction, and when the hell did he turn into a homosexual? Not to mention that Wormtail completely ignored the fact that the Author wants him dead for all the horrible stuff he's done to Harry Potter and company.

No. Wormtail had to be a priss. He had to go out, and make a date with a Lonely Dementor. Of course, its blatantly obvious that neither has ever, or would ever get any romantic action. So they both figured, "What the hell?" Let's be gay and fall in love with each, and see how many reviews this author gets for writing such a crazy, random fic."

And thus began a very warped chapter in the Harry Potter fan fictions:

There they were. An animagus and dementor, on the weirdest date in magical history, sharing drinks and laughs - well, laughs and a spastic little wheezing noise, in Lloyd's case.

They kept on complimenting each other, or enlightening each other on the best way to kill someone. Obviouslyl, Lloyd had mastered the art of soul-sucking. And Wormtail was the queen of betrayal. The fate was basically very gushy and appalling for anybody to hear or see. So the Author decided to not make herself sick, and cease from writing anymore about the conversation, which became more and more like an episode of Full House on acid.)

Finally, Lloyd spoke up. "Your place or mine, Wormy?"

Wormtail raised his eyebrows in shock. He said, in a loving, neurotically-gay-and-out-of-his-mind-for-dating-a-dementor voice, "Now, Lloyd. I understand that we are both looking for a meaningful relationship, and I realize that we both want to take this to the next level. But dear, this is our very first date. We haven't even shared our first kiss. What kind of Death Eater do you think I am?"

"The kind that is a complete idiot!" A high-pitched voice yelled from behind him.


	3. A Tragic Ending noT!

I don't own Harry Potter. ;-)

Chapter 3

It was Lord Voldemort. But this wasn't just any Lord Voldemort. It was a Lord Voldemort in just a pair of underwear. Very thin, ugly, stained underwear. The kind of underwear that was so cheap that it had "Brad Pittwear" written on the elastic on it. His eyes were slanted, and if you looked closely enough, steam was literally blowing out of his ears.

Wormtail turned around, knocking over the whiskey mugs in his clumsiness. He saw his master and stared in awe. Ten seconds of silence passed. Suddenly, Wormtail burst out into laughter. "Hahahahaha. You're so....white, Ma-ma-master."

Through clenched teeth, Voldemort replied, "Why thank you, Wormtail. You imbecile of a servant. Thank you, first of all, for not ironing my robes. I wanted the new black ones for tonight, but now, I'm going to have to wear my old one."

Wormtail was in Lloyd's arms now, barely breathing from laughing so hard. "N-no problem Voldie. Haha, I called you Voldie. Ha ha ha. You can iron your own bloody robes, ya big albino prat!" Even Lloyd chuckled at that one.

Only more steam came out of Voldemort's ears. "Your insolence and defiance are only understandable, Wormtail. You're completely drunk. But I will not forgive you. Have you forgotten what tonight was?"

At this point, Wormtail only tut-tutted Voldie, like a truly gay man would. That is, a suicidal gay man – the type that laughs at the most evil wizard in the world because he's yelling at you in his knickers. "Now look here, Voldie. I'm on a date. Whatever plans you and I had, they are over. We are over! I've found my true calling as Lloy - ".

"You were supposed to be at the Ministry of Magic tonight Wormtail!" Voldemort cut his too-annoyingly-stupid-and-drunk servant off. He was yelling at the top of his lungs, and his red eyes were popping out. "You were supposed to iron my robes. There was never a 'we' because you were MY servant! So, now I hope you're truly happy with Lloyd, because neither of you are working for me anymore. In fact, I want nothing to do with either of you. You're so weird, just like the Author says, and I banish you! You're not worth killing!"

And with that, Lord Voldemort apparated out of the pub, in which everyone else was gone. They had all fled at the sight of Voldie in his tightie-whities. A/N: Its not only pretty scary to see the world's most feared Wizard at his angriest, standing in his underwear. It's also pretty appalling. Case-closed.

Wormtail and Lloyd were left there, laughing so hard that they had fallen on top of each other. ....

Chapter 4 

Leaving the readers at that cliffhanger, the Author realized that she had succeeded in scaring the readers half to death by implying that the story may have been continued with the raunchiest and most disgusting sex scene that could possibly be imagined in all of fan fiction. Instead, the Author spared the reader (and herself) from any such finale to this tale, by simply leaving the story like this:

Wormtail, dizzy and tired, looked into the black holes that were supposed to be Lloyd's eyes and said, "I love you Lloyd"

And the Lloyd rasped back, "I love you too, Peter".

With that, Wormtail (aka Peter Pettigrew) truly made the dumbest choice in magical history by kissing his dementor boyfriend, Lloyd.

Obviously, his soul was sucked out and there was nothing left of him except the dead body of a rat. Lloyd just sat there clinging to the lifeless body of the rat, crying like a big stupid baby.

The Author lived happily ever after because this weird fan fic was done, and Wormtail was dead. She laughed out loud at how sad her ending was, because she could never feel pity for Wormtail. It gave her great satisfaction that he would meet such a tragic end

The END

If this story was terrible, then the Author sincerely apologizes that you put effort and time into reading this. But look on the bright side – you'll never read another fiction like this ever again. This was truly....shall we say, unique?

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Peter Pettigrew, aka Wormtail, has a very important job coming up, at at the Ministry of Magic. However, romance between Peter and a dementor named Lloyd interrupts Lord Voldemort's evil plans. Warning - this is not your average fan fiction.


End file.
